Bending over forwards and backwards, all the time.
The spoon bent at an unnatural angle. Broken. The all natural, organic fair trade ice cream had bent it. It was gone. I quickly tossed it and chose another–a strong Oneida–and continued spooning out ice cream into the whiskey.
What a joke. How many cups would it take to truly cover up the pain?
Linguistically. Culturally. Morally.
So began a long journey to figure out what was more important; fulfilling my own needs or catering to those of a man who always thought of himself first. And me second. If at all.
And so it worked–I would express a want or need, a thought or dream. If it was convenient or relevant to him, he would help me and express verbal support of me. If it even remotely interfered with his free time, own ambitions, or own needs and wants, it was promptly dismissed as inferior or ridiculous. The problem was that most of what I wanted was dismissed as ridiculous.
Like not smoking or drinking. Not hanging out 3-4 times a week with friends. Being as honest as possible with things like taxes and government forms. Later, with our children, it was putting kids to bed on time, brushing their teeth, enforcing rules. None of that was important.
It took me years to learn that the only ridiculous part of all of this was that I myself began to believe that it was ridiculous.
I wanted someone who would love me and spend time for me and not count away the minutes until it was time to go. Someone who could devote himself to me the way I would to him, who would want to stay home with me and watch TV with me not because he had to but wanted to. Who would talk to me about deep, important subjects not because he had to but because he wanted to.
At some point, in most women’s lives, it gets tiring to always be dismissed. And then is when the Demeter emerges, fighting for what is rightfully hers–her own best interests. The moment this warrior comes on the scene, weak men get defensive. In their attempts to regain control, they pull out all the stops. Oh, the insults they hurl! The threats they wield!